Writer’s Block

For you who took me to mountain peak 2 years ago

With no hesitation, you are the best thing
That ever happened
To my poems

It’s like holding on to the bicycle grip
Swirling through the mud
After months of scraped knees
That first stand on the surfing board
After gallons of saltwater swallowed
It is discovering the oceans base
After years of playing in the puddle

You dragged the poetic side of me out
From the black hole in my stomach
From the quicksand stretched to the horizon
And now,
Now my body is no longer gasping for air
For comfort
For inspiration

Somewhere, between now and then
We were standing on the beach
Showering ourselves with golden rays that the sunset leaks
When the clear blue ocean kissed the shore
The sunset beams were also gone
And the afternoon rain was checking on us
Like a diligent mother
That time I learned
How to kiss a man with sand between my toes

The following day, 2 hours after sunrise
With your big, broad shoulders and callused palms
You found our way up to the mountain peak
We then laid our backs on the grass
You taught me how to look up
And find my favorite constellation stars
We talked about the very beginning of the beginning
And into your eyes I was gazing
That night I learned how to collect wishes
And to accept love

Today
I wake up feeling anxious, knowing we are 3 oceans apart
I checked the digital clock, it is 4 am
You are halfway across the globe in another woman’s arms
Somehow, there is hurt here
That can’t be fixed with band aids and chocolate chip ice cream

It is the same landmark, same shoreline
But everything seems so different now
The sand is awful hot
And the sun is attacking me, mercilessly
No matter how many times I’ve been shielding my skin
We watched sunsets for too many times, it turned into 6 pm
I am trying my best to run away from here
It is hard, to stop loving the ocean
Even though it has left you salty, or sandy, or
In constant need of aloe vera cream

It’s still the same landmark
Same peak of mountain that we climbed not that long ago
I am on a mission
To locate my favorite constellation
But I am left empty handed, in the middle of my confusion
The distance between stars are much different now
Much – wider
I should have nailed my fingers to the edges of those stars
So I could wish that you don’t have to be this far
I should have

I nudge the pillow next to me
Considering whether to keep my eyelids open
Or closed, or somewhere in between
But no matter what,
You’re spinning around me so fast
I always end up dizzy
Like ivy wrapping, and jellyfish sting
It is impossible to wash you off
Without feeling the cling

I drink the wine I poured into the measuring glass
Scribble a note outside the margins of my poetry book
It says :
For future self
Be careful about mountain peaks
Not about how high they are, but
How quickly your heart beats the faster you climb

It is 5 am now
I go to bed with wine-soaked lips
And head pulsing, with rhyming words
Pining eagerly
Forming poems after poems of my poetry book
And I still don’t understand
How you could be the best thing
That ever happened to my poems
But the worst thing that ever happened
To me

Ranintia, japan 2014

 

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